star_dyosa

2009-10-13T01:44:00.002+08:00

If I could just detach my heart from my body for a few minutes, show it to her so that I won't have to say the words.

This calms my less than intrepid self but worries my soul.

For it sounds so foreboding.

I might really end up losing my heart... left shamed and dying again.

At the mercy of someone who'll have to resurrect me.

The Color Yellow

2009-08-05T15:02:00.002+08:00

Sometime before the elections in 1992, I remember standing by the window worrying; it was the innocent kind of worrying and emoting.

President Corazon Cojuangco Aquino's term is about to end. She will be leaving the country's top post and will start living the life of an ordinary citizen.

I felt sad then because she would soon be replaced by another unknown entity. Even at a young age, the uncertainty of it all was a scary thing.

NOw, about 26 years later, I find myself feeling the same kind of sadness and anxiety. Perhaps, most of my fellow Filipinos feel this too.

Cory, as she is more popularly known is leaving us. Again. This time, permanently.
And at a time where people's disappointment over the misdeeds of its elected public SERVANTS have exponentially increased.

But more than the sadness are the feelings of amazement and sense of unity at how the nation is reacting over her death.

At this very moment, I don't feel like saying "I am Proud to be Pinoy".

It is more like, "At this very moment, I feel MORE proud to be Pinoy!"

That four-letter word

2009-04-06T19:06:00.001+08:00

This must be post-exam stress but I suddenly remembered something that suddenly occurred to me when I (no this wasn't sudden) reviewing for the insurance finals.

In fire insurance there are what you call friendly fire and hostile fire. Friendly fire is one which stays where it is meant to burn. Simply put it, hostile fire is one which burns where it shouldn't, leaving destruction and chaos. Oh I'm pretty sure Sir Hector De Leon did not put it that way. It's just my "rainbow attempt at drama" overcoming me.

Anyway, since my mind has this terrible proclivity for getting itself distracted; interconnecting things which creatures of compos mentis state would not normally do... I suddenly (there it is again) but very calmly realized...

For some, Love is something that starts out as a friendly fire that ends up into a hostile one.

How dreadly. I should risk-distribute and get an insurance policy.

Oh and of course pray harder I get a passing grade... Grrr

Finest Creatures ;)

2009-04-04T22:31:00.002+08:00

Just had my dvd shopping madness. First stop, the movie It's all about... THE WOMEN

Only from a woman's mouth...

Annette Bening: This is my face, deal with it

Meg Ryan: There should be a pill to make love go away.
Candice Bergen: Why would you want it to go away? It's hard enough to find it in the first place.

Annette Bening: Betrayal is inevitable in every relationship

Meg Ryan: I don't look at clocks anymore. It's very liberating.

Bette Midler: You didn't lose a husband, you earned a closet

And that is why, the only man (and yes the typical misguided soul) in the movie couldn't help but say...

I want to get to know you again. Have I missed my chance?

take a slurp err sip...

2009-03-02T23:27:00.002+08:00

Starbucks Ad:

We revel in the drama of caramel and espresso infusing perfectly steamed milk

Enter Virnastar's thought bubble...

LGBTQ Community Ad:

We revel in the drama of "careers" and exes, infusing perfectly steamed imagination ;)

Just another monday

2009-02-09T14:23:00.002+08:00

HATE
is
really not
the opposite of
LOVE

It's indifference;)

A Matter of Pronouns

2008-10-23T11:57:00.002+08:00

An old blog by one of my very good friends.
Im sure everyone can relate.
Like I said, it's just a matter of pronouns

I am Joe's heart

Since Joe was inside his mother's womb, I have been pumping blood all
over his body. Through his childhood, puberty and adulthood, I have
grown with Joe. I felt his passion for the arts, his hunger for
knowledge, and his devotion to his loved ones. But there's something
peculiar about Joe, about me. Whenever Joe would look at another man,
I would skip a beat. Joe and I find their bodies sexy. We were drawn
to them like a magnet. Later on I realized that I beat not for women
but for men. I'm attracted to another man's heart. And through time,
I didn't find it peculiar anymore. I am Joe's gay heart.

I am Joe' active heart. I usually beat fast when Joe goes to the gym,
when he's climbing walls at the local climbing center, or when he has
to meet a deadline at work. But something is different, something
delightful is happening within Joe right now. All of this started
when Joe met Jack.

I was beating normally, well more normal than usual since Joe was
drinking coffee in a café while writing in his notebook. I was trying
to cope with the amount of caffeine and nicotine Joe was consuming
when suddenly, I began to beat faster. I tried to make sense of it by
asking Brain what is happening. Brain told me that Eyes saw a man
looking at Joe. At first, according to the news of Brain (he's
somewhat of a gossip) that the man was glancing at Joe furtively.
Then, as reported by Eyes, the man smiled at Joe. It was about the
same time that I began to palpitate. I thought it was the combined
effects of cigarettes and coffee. But then, other chemicals were
flooding Joe's system. Brain told me that endorphins and adrenaline
were being released in huge amounts. Electrical bursts in Joe's
synapses are going off like fireworks. Then, I began to beat at a
faster pace. I was feeling anxious and excited. It was at the exact
time when the man Joe was looking at approached our table and
introduced himself. Ears told Brain who told me that the man's name
was Jack. Eyes said that Jack was very attractive, exactly the type
that Joe dreams of during REM stage. Nose said that Jack smelled
really nice. Nose doesn't have a wide vocabulary but we still love
him. Ears was in full attention, listening to the voice of Jack. The
information Ears received was immediately transmitted to Brain. And
Brain, the over-thinker that he is, began to match the information
with the data of Joe's ideal man. A perfect match. I told Brain,
Eyes, Ears, and Nose to maintain a low profile and be cautious. We've
been here before. Joe can't take another beating. I can only be
broken so many times. But Brain was insistent. He was all over the
place. He told Lungs the news and Lungs, for his part, had to control
Joe's breathing. Joe's groin area was a different story. They were
all abuzz about the news, surely brought about by Brain's
instigation. But I told them, keep it down. This has happened before;
the initial excitement of meeting someone new always registers this
effect on Joe. But in the end, it is I who will Joe ask for answers.
I am Joe's cautious heart.

I am Joe's beating heart. I've been skipping a beat, so to speak,
after Joe met Jack. They've been seeing each other for quite some
time now. Eyes is all over Jack: his face, his hands, his lips. Eyes
can't even focus on the movies Joe and Jack watched. Ears was more
attentive than usual, clinging on every word of Jack. Ears was making
sure that he heard everything correctly because, by now, Brain was
asking for a detailed report every minute. Brain tends to over
analyze everything. Brain thinks too much. He interprets Jack's
words, every syllable, even the way it was said and the tones used. A
simple phrase such as, "Do you want to go now", has numerous
interpretations: "is he bored, does he want to go without me, should
I say I still want to talk to him." Poor Brain, he's been working
overtime since Joe met Jack. Brain has replayed all of the dates of
Joe with Jack. Every time, he would focus on a single moment: a
touch, a smile, a nod, and come up with a thousand interpretations.
But I kept telling everyone, especially brain, to slow down. I have
to be sure. I have to be certain about what Joe feels about Jack,
what I feel about Jack's heart. I am Joe's doubtful heart.

I am Joe's guarded heart. Through the years, I have been broken many
times. Joe loved all of them. I loved all of them. Every time I feel
a connection, I would speak to the heart of Joe's current object of
affection. All of them told me that they love me, they love Joe. That
Joe, I, was the one they've been looking for. I am flattered, of
course. All of them promised the moon and the stars. Most of them
kept with my pace. Some of them even made me quiver by quoting
Neruda. But all of them said goodbye to me, to Joe. Joe couldn't
understand. Brain tried to theorize every break-up. But Brain
couldn't give Joe answers. Joe would always end up with questions for
me. I cannot answer him because I am broken. After each break up, I
would build a wall around me. Every time that I would be broken,
another brick would be laid and cemented. When Joe asks if I could
still love again, I would tell him to give me some time to rest.
Eventually, I would tell Joe to be hopeful for love would find us
inevitably. But I am scared. What's the point of finding love if I
would still end up broken? I am Joe's jaded heart.

I am Joe's feeling heart. You'd think Joe only listens to Brain. As
Joe learned from the past, love is truly an affair of the heart. This
is my domain, my area of expertise. Joe asked me a lot of questions
about Jack. He kept nagging me about how I feel about Jack. I'd tell
him that I've built a wall around me to protect myself from being
broken again. But the truth always escapes me. I had to be honest
with Joe. "Jack's the one, Joe." I'd say. I've spoken to Jack's heart
and we are in agreement. Jack's heart is in love. Jack is in love
with Joe. And I told Joe, affirming Brain's proposition that Joe was
in love with Jack. I am Joe's loved heart.

I am Joe's bleeding heart. Last night I felt a knife pierce through
me. I tried to do my usual work, pretend that everything is as it
should be. I kept telling myself that if I just wait and patiently
count the hours, I would feel Jack's beating heart again. But Eyes
has been crying since last night. Ears are deafened by the silence in
Joe's room. Hands long to touch Jack's Hands. But Jack was nowhere to
be found. Brain has replayed the scene over and over. Like watching a
big T.V. screen, all of Joe's organs, the entire body of Joe,
recalled what happened. Jack broke up with Joe. Jack said it wasn't
working out and that he met someone else. Mouth had no words to tell
Jack that he's making a mistake. Lips were shut tight while Eyes
fought back the tears. But the heaviest of burdens was pressed
against me last night. I was feeling Joe's pain. Brain's questions
are now my questions: why, what happened, what went wrong, am I not
enough. And I listened. I asked. I pleaded for Jack's heart to
respond. But Jack's heart was silent. Jack's heart was afraid that he
was making a mistake, a huge mistake. Jack's heart was terrified of
my honesty, my commitment, and my love. Jack's heart cannot fathom
the depths of my love for him. So he withdrew. He kept his distance.
He remained quiet. In his silence, we both knew the truth. Jack
didn't meet anyone new. Jack wasn't seeing another guy. Jack's heart
was afraid. Afraid of what I was prepared to give: a love with no
conditions, no doubts, and no questions. I was willing to compromise,
to overlook Jack's shortcomings. I love him despite his weaknesses,
his faults, his frailties. It was too much for Jack's heart to take.

Loop

2008-08-25T15:19:00.002+08:00

"In your empty heart
I have left a mark
The best you never had"

OUCH!
Why the hell am I smiling?

Midterms Bubbles

2008-08-17T14:16:00.006+08:00

1) What will be grossly shocking to the conscience? Explain. 10 pts

Virnastar: You and me together, professor.

2) What will constitute an ideal partner? Give a concrete example. 10 pts

Virnastar: Someone who stimulates me up here (draws a picture of a brain) and down there (better left to the imagination)

3)Tibam girl is reviewing in the library. Guy smiles at tibam girl. Tibam girl smiles back and surprisingly feels giddy about it. Is this:

a) hetero experimentation
b) Information overload amounting to confusion
c) Fraud in factuum

Decide. 20 pts

Virnastar: Fraud in factuum

4) What relationships -- their terms and conditions, effectivity and termination -- must be in a public instrument? Explain why. 20 pts

Virnastar: Relationships with overly confident people, pretentious individuals, self-righteous entities and with selective amnesia citizens. All kinds of relationship and endeavors with the aformentioned individuals must be in a public instrument so as to properly inform and bind the whole world.

5) What is avulsion en angst. Give an example. 10 pts

Virnastar: Avulsion en angst occurs when a portion of one's personality is separated from one's self and transferred to another person. The transfer must be due to the strong current of the emotional river. This usually happens between a self righteous individual (an upper tenement)and an oblivious companion (lower tenement)

6)Consider each individual as a municipal corporation. Municipal corporations can be merged, divided and so on. Which one of the following will lead to an insalubrious relationship? Explain. 20 pts

a) Annex
b) Merge
c) Divide
d) Alter
e) None of the above

Virnastar: A)Annex. When a municipal corporation is annexed to another municipal corporation, the former loses its personality. Furthermore, all of the properties of the former shall be deemed transferred under the name of the latter.

7) What is a prejudicual question? 10 pts
Virnastar: ALL OF THESE QUESTIONS

MEMO TO SELF

2008-08-09T05:48:00.002+08:00

1) After roll call, don't raise your hand if the professor will say, "all of you have been called right?" thinking that the prof is talking about recitation. Ergo, do not be one-track-minded.(except with karirs. teehee)

2) When ralph is around, double up your gabi costume
i.e. like the gabi leaf, ralph will slide down like water.

3) Do not chat with mike about crazy stuff. you will not be able to finish your office deadlines. Ask for pasalubong.

4) Do not avert your gaze from the professor, for he might then call you for recit.

5) Try not to sleep when you have a free night. Remember 7 exams in almost 7 straight days. Parang commercial ng pantene or something.

6) Check your zipper everytime you stand up for recit. You might be oversharing

7) Make use of your valuable time wisely. So why the hell are you typing this senseless post?

Mock yourself before you mock others daw. ;)

jumping the bandwagon... CHAR!

2008-07-31T17:08:00.002+08:00

one day, virnastar saw yet another one of those questionnaires. you know, the non-academic charity ones...

1.The way to win your heart?
-- I don’t have a heart. I’m a plant

2.What did you do last night?
-- magpakabibo sa sales. Nagconsult ako sa mga friends ko na si Paras, Tolentino at tadan! Iconic Baviera. But no, walang pasok sa sales.

3.Do you have the same name as one of your relatives?
-- parang apelido lang naman… mga ganun

4.Are you looking for a boyfriend/ girlfriend?
-- bad yun. Magagalit parents ko;)

5.One song that's meaningful to you?
-- thiz iz zerious ha… 32 flavors. Very telling ba? Hehe

6.Do you twirl or scoop your spaghetti?
-- I use chopsticks. honestly

7.Do you drink milk straight from the carton?
-- Nee (or dude kung lalaki ang gumawa nitech), working law student akesh. kape lang ang pwede naming inumin. at madaming bitamins. teehee

8.How long is your hair?
-- long. Hanggang eastwood.

9.Do you like Batman?
-- No. but he likes me. Nafeel ko.

10.Who was the last person who told you they loved you?
-- si Ralph

11.Addicted to anything?
-- Ralph. Romance ni Ralph Lauren… mabango siya promise

12.What were you last listening to in the car?
-- Myself sing or talk. Not much of a difference there

13.Do you like anyone now?
-- oh yeah. Verily

14.When was the last time you sang out loud?
-- ngayon. Multi-tasker ang mga nasa NGO, nee (or dude)

15.What did you have for breakfast?
-- sugar-free ensaymada. Keri lang. foodam pa rin yun. May pagpapanggap na healthy daw.

16.Is your birthday on a holiday?
-- medyo. National BIJIN’s DAY… o yung mga nihinggo speaking dyan. hehe

17.What instant messaging service do you use?
-- ym lang. nakakasira sa trabaho eh. CHAR!

18.Can you cook?
-- cook what? Kung kalokohan yes! Yes yes yesJ

19.Did you have a nap today?
-- nap sa lap ni… hahaha

20.What was the reason you got in trouble last time?
-- good girl ako eh… okay ba pag-deflect ko? hehe

21.What do you wear more, jeans or sweats?
-- jeans obkors

22.When is your birthday?
-- ang numero ng tanong na to plus 1 sa buwan ng setyembre. bow

23.Do you swear a lot?
-- oh yeah!

24.Where did you get the shirt(s) you're wearing?
-- sa sampayan. Kakatupi lang ni marci the great. Ang aming powerful na kasama sa bahay. Mabuhay si marci! Seryoso to!

25.Do you have any regrets?
-- not now. maybe later;something to do with answering a certain questionnaire

26.What was your first alcoholic drink?
-- family rubbing alcohol. Di nga? Pag bata ka minsan tumatalsik sa bibig mo ang alcohol na pinupunas sayo pag may sakit. Hate ko alcohol at vicks ha.

-- Tsaka di ako umiinom ng alcohol masama sa kalusugan (pinocchio)

27.Do you want something you can't have?
-- uhuh. Para siyang vain hope or expectancy. Wink wink

28.What color are your favorite shoes?
P U R P L E. bigay ng sis ko. power

29.Who would you like to see right now?
-- si queen Elizabeth. Tea time talk ba kasama ng mga aso niya. or si mr. bean

30.Are you a social or antisocial person?
-- una sa lahat, am I a person? Hmmm… what if im a robot? Will I still be entitled to the same question?

31.Have the cops ever come by your house?
-- well sa kalayaan ako nakatira, they pass by my house once in a while. Complete with blaring sirens… yung mga tipong 2AM

32.Ever been in love?
-- sabi nila love is like a rosary... and i do rosary... seryoso. hindi, define love muna... yun ba yung parang isa sa mga natural catastrophies?

33.Ever had braces?
-- NOOOOOO… I find them bereft of merit. wehehe

34.Who was the first person to really break your heart?
-- wala nga akong heart. Ano vey!

35.What do you wear to bed?
-- hihihi… ang arte…

36.Who was your first best friend and are you still friends with them?
-- si Kate; Na elementary ko pa classmate at madalas pumupunta sa bahay but no, si father ang tawag niya pa rin kay Kate ay CAKE. Yeah friends pa rin kami. Nagtatatrabaho siya sa Dept of Agrarian Reform. At tuwing may meeting ako sa Dept of Agriculture hindi ko siya makita. Ganun kami kaclose. hmp

37.Who was the last person to disappoint you?
-- parang heavy with threats naman ang tanong na yan. Parang dahil dinisappoint niyako, that last person is… hindi naman halatang mega-evade ako sa question noh? J

38.Do you trust people?
-- truly, madly, deeply do

39.Who was the first person you talked to today?
-- si Marci. Winner siya!

40.Who was the first person to text you today?
-- si Ralph. Tas nagising ako. Panaginip lang pala yun. nakakaloka

41.What was the first thing you did this morning?
-- nagmaganda.. Tas naalala ko classes tonight… nacranky.

Siya, makapag-aral na nga sa property. THIZ IZ IT! GOODBYE BABYE!

oh yeah

2008-07-14T15:07:00.004+08:00

Virnastar v Republic of Crankiness

FACTS:

1. Petioner is an NGO worker/ law student

2) Said petitioner has been through the following in a span of 6 or so weeks

week 1: surgery (her anesthesiologist's pretty, by the way)
week 2: pseudo rest
week 3: start of law school classes AND field work in zambales and batangas
weeks 4,5 and 6: 1 bag full of lawbooks & cases + 1 plastic folder with books and cases + cranky profs + meetings/seminars + maximum of 3 hrs of sleep per night

3) Through the course of the said weeks, Republic of Crankiness through several of its agents namely Nunc Pro Tunc, psychedelic tie, Super T, and a Ms. avulsion, has offered petitioner with a 4-month lease of its patrimonial property in Angst Street.

ISSUE: What movie would best counter the accumulated angst and crankiness?

HELD: MAMA MIA

RATIO:

In order that a movie be considered conclusively fabulous, two elements must concur:

1) meryl streep
2) abba songs

Mending A Broken Heart

2008-06-13T12:19:00.003+08:00

-- A person in authority asked me to do this. (persons in authority as defined by law) Hence, what I write in here may not find favor in some. But this is my blog and it'll be my grade, so there. The title is chessy. Let me add " For the heartless --> a broken ego. For those without it, congratulations! You are not human. There is nothing to mend."

I once came across an article on broken heart syndrome. Apparently, even the medical field considers this as a serious problem. The details of the article I can only vaguely remember. In a nutshell, it described broken heart syndrome as a prequel to a heart attack. Loss of a loved one and severe emotional trauma were also cited as common causes. On a positive note, the article said that recovery is quick.

This made me think of the broken heart syndrome that more commonly plagues us, mere mortals. In this case, would it be proper to say that recovery is quick?

The safest answer to that is, it depends. Regardless of the length of time one has to allot in order to extricate one's self from this oftentimes debilitating experience, there are basic steps one should go through. They do not necessarily have to happen in the order that I present them, again that would depend on the person. But for me, this works.

First, ACCEPT THAT IT IS OVER AND LISTEN. Easy to say but hard to do. Once upon a time I had a friend who broke up with her first love and partner for two years. Prior to the break up, her demeanor was that of someone who scoffs at lovesick fools. She was also the type who could not quite understand why people who split up behave stupidly, as she calls it. When it was her time, I saw her eat all of her words.

Everyday with her was like being an “alalay” to the protagonist of a romantic comedy with a neurotic twist. Something like the movie, MY SUPER EX GIRLFRIEND. It was both amusing and pitiful. She was hospitalized and became as thin as a toothpick. One moment she would be professing her love for the ex and the next she would be spewing words of hatred and revenge. Alcohol was best not served in her presence.

During that time, I was one of the people closest to her. I wanted to tell her that her biggest problem was that she just could not accept it. You can not force people to love you or stay in love with you. The only thing you can ask for is that they inform you decently. My friend's ears were open but somewhere between the opening of the ears and the brain, my message got lost in translation.

Second, SHOVE WHAT NEEDS TO BE SHOVED IN THE FOSSILIZED PAST. I remember the amusement I felt when I first read this phrase. It was a perfect thing to use when talking about not so desirable things; stuff that form part of living and breathing --- like falling in and falling out of love. In other words, try to rid yourself of the tangible things that would only remind you of your ex-boyfriend or love interest while maintaing a firm grasp on lessons from your experience.

The principle applies especially to those that will only give you false hopes or lead to delusions that she or he is coming back or will change her or his mind. It might even be potentially dangerous and absolutely pathetic if the ex is already committed to another. Stuff toys, pictures, cars or townhouses for the upper class, and the like must be disposed of; even text messages. After all, the operative word is EX-girlfriend/boyfriend. I am not saying one should throw them all away or build a large bonfire; that would be wasteful, impractical and stupid. Scenarios can range from giving them away and for the more expensive gifts, selling them. Just like what Ivana Trump said, “Don’t get mad, get everything.” At least you get to put them to some practical use without the psychological torment of “what ifs” every time you use or see these things.

Third, DISCARD YOUR ISSUES PROPERLY. Someone said, “If in public toilets you see placards that go, ‘DISCARD YOUR TISSUES PROPERLY’, in my room also known as my private space you will see a sign that says ‘DISCARD YOUR ISSUES PROPERLY’". This seems trivial but personally, I believe this is laden with several advices already.

For one, while people are generally sympathetic, they may not stay so if you cry or mop around 24/7 just because of a heart break. Yes you are miserable and in pain, but the rest of world is still breathing and going about their business. It is just one aspect of your life; not the lone source of love in this world; most definitely not a very sound reason to ruin your whole life.

If you happen to find yourself in a party where your ex was invited as well, it would not make you less of a human being if you act gracefully. The party is after all for your host/ess and not for you or your ex.

Also, avoid dragging innocent people --strangers and friends – in your personal vendetta. I have seen a lot of people who have behaved like this, even my friends. It only shows your capacity to be overly paranoid. On top of that, it is very unfair to your mutual friends. Others would go the extra mile of blaming friends or third persons for the break up or rejection. This tactic will not help you get over your heartbreak and will not give your image, plus points.

Fourth, LAUGH. Cliché-ish as it may sound laughter is always the best medicine. If it really is funny, try to laugh. It takes more muscles to frown and cry than smile or laugh. In time you will also find yourself laughing at the things that made you cry the most. An important thing to remember though is to laugh to lighten up your mood not because you want to be malicious. Laugh at the rejection or break-up but not at the person that caused it. Find ways to amuse your self. If you must sing STUPID CUPID, by all means.

Fifth, SURROUND YOURSELF WITH POSITIVE ENERGIES. Going through a heart break is not easy. Self esteem is usually the first casualty. For some who have cinematic tendencies, health is also sacrificed. In order to repair the former and avoid the latter it will help if you are surrounded by friends or people who are not angsty, are great listeners but are objective. These very people will make you feel that they empathize with you but will help you get out of your misery, not feed it.

In addition to this, it will be best if you watch feel good movies and lie low on the drama. Crying time or ex bashing should be given a time-limit per day, until finally, you can do without it. Although crying and getting all riled up can serve as forms of therapy, if you get used to them, happiness may eventually leave you permanently.

Last, THINK POSITIVE AND LEARN FROM YOUR MISTAKES. In line with accepting that things are over or you are just not meant for each other, it will also help if you take time for a self-evaluation. A time to regroup. For jilted partners, think of the freedom that break ups entail. A chance for a new beginning and appropriate reforms. More time to devote to one’s self, friends and family.

For suitors whose hearts bleed because of rejection, this kind of pondering will also help in understanding why the feeling could not be reciprocated. Instead of bringing you down, consider it as a way of saving you for somebody who deserves you better.

Bottom line is, heartbreaks will always be painful. No matter how forewarned you are, when the moment arrives, all the advices can never really lessen the pain. But is this not the beauty of loving? There are always surprises along the way. Some are bound to bring the most exquisite of happiness. Some are bound to be painful.

After all, nothing is forever but things like falling in love are almost always worth the pain. What does not kill you will only make you stronger.

I hope I won't find myself eating up my words

to the abstract queen

2008-04-22T00:18:00.003+08:00

It's nice when you once again hear the songs that first moved you almost a decade ago. This blog is a tribute to one of them. The only drawback is, the circumstances that made you receptive to them have most probably increased exponentially...

WHY?!

2008-03-30T03:08:00.005+08:00

What is it with dykes and drama?

I AM ONE OF THE MOST DRAMATIC DYKES IN THE WHOLE GALAXY; or as a friend puts it, CINEMATIC. But i do try to cross over to comedy once in while.

Some people though can't seem to switch themes.

DRAMA is not the only genre in this spherical(or whatever) thing we live in right?

ACTION is good too. Kung fu and those slice-with-your-hands, high kicks and defy-gravity motions can be more tolerable than endless drama.

SUSPENSE can be fun too. Let the screams flow out of your mouth instead of the tears out of those eyes. you can also try to let the tears come out of your mouth and the screams flow out of your eyes. freaky but interesting.

The problem is, everyone whose preference remotely resembles that of dykes' (for lack of a better description)seems to be addicted to dramaramas too.

As Anni Lennox puts it, WHY?

Let me just run towards my bed in slow motion and bury my head on the pillow as i contemplate all these.

it's the second song; around 4:15

2008-02-26T16:30:00.001+08:00

for all the strong women in my family and my circle of friends

2008-02-26T16:28:00.001+08:00

ME rocks!
if audio does the trick for you, check the blog up:)

Watch the woman's hands as she cultivates the land
As she plants the seed
As she's on her knees
Watch her fingers smile as she holds the little child
As she holds him, as she holds him

Watch the woman's hands as she holds the children back
From the danger, from the danger
Watch her big fight to keep the family tight together, together

Oh we need her
Oh we need her
Oh we need her
Oh we need her
Oh we need her
Oh we need her
Oh we need her
Oh we need her

Watch the woman's hands as she talks to the man
As he talks down to her, as he tells her
He doesn't understand, he does not see the fisted hands
Clenching tightly, angrily

Oh we need her
Oh we need her
Oh we need her
Oh we need her
Oh we need her
Oh we need her
Oh we need her
Oh we need
Oh we need her
Oh watch the woman's hands
Watch the, watch the woman's hands
Watch the woman's hands
Lyrics > Melissa Etheridge Lyrics > Melissa Etheridge Watch the Woman's Hands Lyrics

make a wish

2008-02-21T01:06:00.003+08:00

The star is falling
Make a wish
It may come true
Not for the unfortunate star
But for you

Gravity pulled
And the star has fallen
You have the star
But the star does not have you

star's been plucked from the higher ground where star was safely being an onlooker
Sucks but true (nyahahahaha)

straight out of the gay's mouth

2008-01-31T22:36:00.001+08:00

Very special friend: They say lesbians have a greater tendency to be irrationally jealous because it's so easy to lose your partner to another lesbian in the community.
Virnastar: Hmm... In the lesbian world NOT UNLIKE the hetero world, you get irrationally jealous not because it's easy to lose your partner but because you are just paranoid

Very special friend: what's with the necklace?
Virnastar: (with a very straight face)well, you see people usually think les don't accessorize. i don't want them to think im gay

Very special friend: So how's your S*X life?
Virnastar: define S*X life
Very sepcial friend: you don't abstain
Virnastar: (points to her bandanged hand) does it look like i abstain?
Very special friend: Hahahahaha

damn!

2008-01-31T22:20:00.000+08:00

7 is suppose to be a lucky number.
well, there must have been some truth in that, because last week i was working for 7 straight days in like like 7 different places.
7 straight days that failed to set me on the straight path but instead led me deeper into my not so straight ways. heh!

On the 7th day, the perfect song for my object of whatever you want to call it, was brought to my stream of consciousness. thanks chang and twyla.

sophie b hawkins and melissa etheridge say:

Damn I wish I was your lover
I'll rock you till the daylight comes
Make sure you are smiling and warm
I am everything
Tonight I'll be your mother
I'll do such things to ease your pain
Free your mind and you won't feel ashamed
Shucks
For me there is no other
You're the only shoe that fits
I can't imagine I'll grow out of it

I say:
damn! damn! damn!

Chicken

2008-01-18T00:39:00.000+08:00

I can't remember your face. I search every space in my brain but nothing produces a glipmse of you.
It's like you have disappeared.
But I cannot forget you.
My stream of consciousness is a fertile space full of you.
Just you.
Like dust that make up every living thing on this planet

I try to remember the words that I have spoken.
I open my mouth hoping that I can capture those moments again, hear my voce saying the words that gave you a look at what should be inside me.
I have become mute.
But no amount of exhaustion can seem to stop me from talking about you.
Always you

I try, believe me I tried
I know I should stop trying now
I am setting myself free
I am going after you

The pen is mightier than the sword

2007-11-25T16:40:00.000+08:00

I write this with all the respect due to one of our brave heroes, Andres Bonifacio:)

My battles are of all sorts. In fairness, they all make me laugh at some point. And they're not as bloody as you think they are. Internal hemorrhage anyone? he he he

I am not very fond of violence and I'm not planning on waging a war soon with anyone but here are some pointers I was forcefed with just recently. *smirk* Battles and war are not all about enemies, you know.

1)Keep *** close
2)Make sure the empty seat beside you will give *** a view of your best landscape
3)Always bring an extra pen
4)Smile

Keep all of these in mind. Power will be yours.
Kahit kathang isip lang

Char!

2007-11-14T15:04:00.001+08:00

look alikes daw...

2007-10-23T00:19:00.000+08:00

Only with this dyosa

2007-10-22T23:32:00.000+08:00

In solidarity with the Task Force Mapalad farmers on hunger strike early this year, my boss and some of my officemates went to DAR and brought a couple of jugs of water.

I was looking at the pictures of a slain farmer-leader posted within the makeshift tent when I felt someone's eyes on me.

I turned around and there she was, my new catastrophe.

I had no chance of running...

No hope of escape...

It was meant to be...

A Catastrophe

Simply Fabulous

2007-10-18T21:25:00.000+08:00

Shimmering Splendid

2007-10-18T01:05:00.000+08:00

The following are quotes from the movie Stardust ...

(Based on Neil Gaiman's book ,which I read while having my monthly dose of foot spa at a friend's beauty salon back when the world was a lot more glittery) TOO MUCH INFORMATION!

Those in red are the products of the repressed scriptwriter in me

What do stars do best?
GLOW

But... No star can shine with a broken heart

And finally, No MAN can live forever without the heart of a star

Therefore, only a WOMAN can live forever.
Bwehehe....

Why do I not prefer younger women?
MICHELLE PFEIFFER

The Ultimate Answer

2007-10-10T07:24:00.000+08:00

When people ask me questions like these:

1) Why are you working for an NGO?
2) Why fight for what is right, we believe in what you say anyway, isn't that enough?
3) Why stay in that hell of a place called law school?
4) Why, why, why?

I don't actually burst into this song, I try to deliver the lines as flatly as possible [there's really no difference, come to think of;)] This is my standard answer:

If I could tell the world just one thing
It would be that we're all ok
And not to worry 'cause worry is wasteful and useless in times like these
I won't be made useless I won't be idled with despair
I'll gather myself around my faith for light does the darkness most fear

My hands are small, I know, but they're not yours, they are my own but they're not yours, they are my own and I am never broken

Poverty stole your golden shoes
but it didn't steal your laughter
And heartache came to visit me but i knew it wasn't ever after
We will fight, not out of spite for someone must stand up for what's right
'cause where there's a man who has no voice there ours shall go singing

In the end only kindness matters In the end only kindness matters

I will get down on my knees, and I will pray I will get down on my knees, and I will pray I will get down on my knees, and I will pray

We are God's eyes
God's hands
God's mind
We are God's eyes
God's hands
God's heart
We are God's eyes
We are God's hands
We are God's eyes

Moments

2007-09-30T15:12:00.000+08:00

straight from another blog address...

There are moments when I would suddenly have an epiphany or a moment of enlightenment. You can also call them moments of sheer brilliance -- when I can effortlessly blend the power of the mind, heart and whatever part of the body is associated with hilarity. These moments are truly wonderful.

This is not one of them...

Oh, but I still feel wonderful

Why?

1) For the first time, I'm giving away a little bit of myself in an article I would usually write in my more active blog and not here in my friendster blog. You have to know me better the way I do, to understand the significance of this. But since I WONT even TRY to understand myself, I advise that you don't. hehe.

Borrowing miguel's "borrowed words", If you don't know ME by now, then you don't know ME.

2) I am so many things and I can understand if you judge me this way or that. A box is not something I fancy

3) This moment still feels wonderful because the "I"s in the first paragraph were replaced by "they" and "we".

What can be more wonderful than that?

Rock bottom

2007-09-06T02:50:00.000+08:00

Mahal kita. Kung ganun lang sana kasimple

Ang buhay sana lahat masaya

Walang lungkot habang katabi kita

Sa umaga't gabi ikaw masaya

Ano mang oras na hindi nakokonsensya

Nakakasakit ng iba dahil mahal kita

Kaya kelangang tiisin na di talaga tayo pwede

Sa isa't isa bawal ang pagtitinginan

May nagmamay-ari na sayo kaya paalam na

Ngunit di makakalimutan sayang nadama

Mula sa pagmamahal ko sayo

Na di nasuklian.

Di masusuklian kasi may mahal ka ng iba

Mahal

Mahal ang pag-ibig

kabaliwang pag-ibig

Bakit hindi na lang iba

Sui Generis

2007-09-04T11:12:00.000+08:00

My two favorite actresses.
Take note: Actresses not Stars

Treat

2007-09-04T10:41:00.000+08:00

I thought that for the nth time, my MONDAY failed me again.
There is truth in Cindy Lauper's song you know. Or I'm just a very attractive individual, all sorts of things are drawn to me including the undesirables. You have to be a little bit more imaginative to achieve full comprehension when you're reading blogs like mine. Har har

Cutting back on my kilometric introductions, let me just say that for the first time in months, my Monday ended up, WOW.

Check this out. Those who don't, may you have 5 mondays in a week for the next 5 weeks. *evil* Nah

http://www.afterellen.com/people/2007/8/mandanajones#comment-394245

Anggun

2007-09-01T17:12:00.001+08:00

Be still my heart :)

dory, why do i love thee?

2007-06-05T15:32:00.000+08:00

i love thee in so many levels... :p

Dory Blinking Just Keep Swimming Icons

Hoist the Colours.

2007-06-02T17:31:00.000+08:00

how can a les like me not like johnny depp...
if it doesn't make sense to you well... it doesn't make sense to me too.

Who and what i like at the moment
1) Johnny Depp ( uhuh) this is so stating the obvious
2) Geoffrey Rush (capt. barbosa) and his mutinous sense of humor (what, i like playing with words!)
3) Bill Nighy (Davy Jones) and his weird laughter. i can so relate. lol
4) and of course the musical score, especially this:

The king and his men
stole the queen from her bed
and bound her in her bones
The seas be ours and by the powers
Where we will well roam

Yo, ho, haul together
hoist the colors high
heave ho, thieves and beggars
never say we die

Some men have died and some are alive
And others sail on the sea
with He keys to the cage
and the Devil to pay we lay to Fiddler's Green

The bell has been raised
from it's watery grave
do you hear it's sepulchral tone
We are a call to all, pay head the squall
and turn your sail toward home

2007-05-11T13:46:00.001+08:00

Chit Chat with Chiching

2007-05-08T17:41:00.000+08:00

Chiching says:

Is there something wrong with me? Why do I feel like I am about to commit such utter rubbish?

I was looking at this wonderful piece of art. You see, I would like to think of myself as someone austere. No make it downright boring and not given to anything pleasing to any or all of my five senses.

I smirk and say to myself, well it’s very pretty but I don’t need it. I can do very well without it can’t I?

Days pass and as life would have it, I win a ticket allowing me to once again see this piece of art coupled with a raffle stub which, if I’m lucky will allow me the right to ownership. ( that was quite long)

I feel myself going for it. I take three steps forward. I stop. I remember something and I take two steps back. I hear something in my mind and once again go still. This voice propelled me five steps forward. Now excitement begins to build up over the prospect of having this thing in the palm of my hand. I see wonderful images. All of a sudden, these images turn into something ugly, almost painful. I stumble and force myself to stop yet again. No I don’t want to be a charity case I tell myself. I don’t want this. I go through my customary chats with my conscience.

Maybe I shouldn’t be doing it this way. I don’t really need this! Besides, if I want it I’ll have it through my own resources. Who needs it anyway? I’m happy without it. And if I have them, what then? Just so I can have something to flaunt? Bah! (I can hear my friends chuckling over the familiar lines. So me ei?)

Then it had me thinking, things that won’t really make any sense if put to words but which lead me to this realization -- YOU WANT IT. In fact you want all forms of it. You want it in every possible way. You want it to be made available for you, for things to go in a way that this thing is almost begging you to have it. However, given all these you’ll choose not to have it. The choice NOT to take it, that’s what you want. More importantly the feeling of pain at the thought that you could have had it, not because you wanted it but because it wanted you and you turned away from it.

CHOICE

PAIN

THAT’S WHAT YOU WANT.

RUBBISH?

winterson

2007-05-05T16:23:00.000+08:00

PICTURE THESE:

1) A simple chiffon cake coated with plain white vanilla icing. No frills. no flowers. NADA

You're given a slice, you take your fork, tuck in and when you finally feel that small piece of pastry in your mouth you're simply at loss for words. And when I say at loss for words it has nothing to do with the fact that your mouth is full and you've been taught the "proper" table manners.

Later on you find out that this cake was the creation of no other than the confectionery master. THE ONE.

2) One hundred billion neurons which are capable of electrical and chemical communications with tens of thousands of other nerve cells.

This mass which typically weighs 1.5kg is the source of conscious cognitive mind. (Wikipedia) More popularly known as the brain, it is capable of almost anything.

Take it out of the skull and it's vulnerable, unassuming, almost undesirable. Who would want a terrible looking mass like it? Take it away and you're nothing but a vegetable.

Although i have to say vegetables can be more logical that some people. Pichay's campaign vehicle just went past our street. I guess I'll have to take back my vegetable praise.

I wont pretend that I know all about the gazillion authors and their respective novels in this universe. I don't. ( Ask me about hair and hair products, i just might go rant for weeks. No need for honorarium.)

BUT IF YOU ASK ME WHAT I THINK OF JEANETTE WINTERSON AND HER NOVEL ORANGES AREN'T THE ONLY FRUIT, EXPECT AN ANSWER SIMILAR TO THIS BLOG:)

closed gob for once

2007-03-31T16:20:00.000+08:00

Obsession, addiction, enchantment, dependence (oh, okay the last one's a bit scary) can't even begin to describe my state of existence when it comes to the most-well developed t.v. series this side of the universe. I just love it when i'm bias!

I've been meaning to do a bit of BAD GIRLS over-sharing here for months now but such is my love for it i'd rather have you see this youtube flick. hekhek

If you've been subjected to my unstoppable and uncorkable gob (let us not be graphic please) you'll definitely know my( effort at) restraint speaks a lot.

BOW

hilariously fantastic!

2007-03-31T16:16:00.000+08:00

mapagpatamang pablo neruda :)

2007-01-08T11:07:00.000+08:00

Couldn't help but post these.

sonnet III

Bitter love, a violet with its crown
of thorns in a thicket of spiky passions,
spear of sorrow, corolla of rage: how did you come
to conquer my soul? what via delorosa brought you?

Why did you pour your tender fire
so quickly over my life's cool leaves?
Who pointed the way to you? what flower,
what rock, what smoke showed you where I live?

Because the earth shook -it did- that awful night;
then daw filled all the goblets with its wine;
the heavenly sun declared itself;

while inside, a ferocious love wound around
and around me- till it pierced me with its thorns, its sword
slashing a seared road through my heart

sonnet XVII
(excerpts)

I love you as certain things are to be loved,
in secret , between the shadow and the soul
... the plant that never blooms
... lives darkly in my body

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where
I love you straightforwardly without complexities or pride
So I love you because I know no other way

so it continues...

2006-10-21T15:57:00.000+08:00

ALL OVER ME
Danger Flowers

In this space between what's wrong and right
You will find me waiting for you
All your fortresses go down with the night
To the dawn I'll see you through

Coz I know
That you know
You're all over me now
And it's clear, it will show
Your guardians will go
But if your heart is cold
My sheets are warm
I will shelter you through the storm
I will shelter you all through the storm

imagine me you

2006-10-13T13:22:00.000+08:00

For the past few months, my mind alternately went into limbo, excessive imagining. limbo again, and more imagining... I am not sure what I really attained from those "strenuous" activities, but it was fun. Try it:p

I'd gladly share the things that came up from the imagining part, but Im well aware of the concept of OVERSHARING so in true MTRCB tradition I promise to talk about the most innocent of stuff. So here's the story...

That's all folks!

Bwahahaha...

Seriously, I've been imagining among other things that I had copy of this British romantic comedy, Imagine Me and You starring Lena Headey and Piper Perabo. I've been hearing about it for quite some time but since it wasn't exactly commercially released in this mole-led country, I had to content myself with "underground" research for my source. No, I have not been watching spy movies again, and No,I have nothing against moles. I love moles! Except for that kind of mole attached to and taking control of this Tolkien creature.

While imagining is not an evil endeavor, nothing can top the real thing and luckily for me, my friend found a copy of said movie and lent it to me. HAPPINESS! But my 2-month old dvd player had to conk out that week of all weeks. SADNESS. So same friend knowing how annying I can get when restless, threw in her extra dvd player. TOUCHNESS! So home, I went. WATCHNESS!

Now my friend told me that the movie's light and not something you'd usually use for heavy gender information dissemination. I told her, (In lena's knee-weakening voice)"It doesn't matter"... please allow me a moment to feel the kilig again... I have so many heavy stuff going round for me anyway. So light, it is.

In true praning fashion, my worrying over possible nuissances -- unexpected visitors, missing t.v. remote control, blackouts, duty calls, comets falling on our streets, etc -- almost erased my giddyness. Ok, ok I did say "Love makes the world go 'round but without air we're dead" but I can do mushy too!

Obsessiveness pays u know... plus the forces of nature were in a good mood so as soon as i hit the play button, kilig set in... sigh...

I thought that as soon as I get my hands on the dvd, my imaginations would be cut down in half. But no, as I watched the movie and long long after I've returned the dvd player, it only intensified... That Lena Headey. How dare she make my heart beat that fast! And how dare her, being so hot like that! Not when I have told myself just recently " Self, you're a plant. It's less complicated that way." Wasamaterwitme.

And the rest of the Brit cast (and Piper), how dare they make me laugh at their brit sense of humor. I've crossed over from being gay to being ecstatic. Not when Im supposedly depressed -- not sad.

What can I say about the movie? Well it wasn't exactly the don't-forget-me-to-the-highest-level type of movie, but for now, I won't remember anything else.

So the question is, "What happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object"?

2006-10-09T15:10:00.000+08:00

I'm certain as the mole in GMA's face that boxing, or any of its mutations, never occupied a spot in my heart. I also know that I must never voice this out lest I bleed to death from the dagger looks I'll surely receive from my fun-loving, manny pacquiao-obsessed countrymen. Everything it stands for runs contrary to my beliefs. I will not however, expound on this because I've recently developed this nasty dory habit that by the time I’m done with my "belief system", I would have totally forgotten what I initially wanted to write about.
Where was I?

Well, last Sunday, my slightly hung-over being found the opportunity to watch the Beautiful Boxer. I've been meaning to watch this movie but could never find the right time and mood. My bro told me it was a good one so armed with my HOD and a newly-opened nicotine supply, I hit the play button.

Two hours later, I was left with an amalgamation of emotions I was quite unsure if I should cry or window-gaze till kingdom come. I of course did both. Hey! I’m an NGO-worker, multi-tasking is what we specialized in. Oh okay, that was a little bit creepy.

I won’t say that the movie rocked my world or that it was the best one I’ve seen. I also won’t say it was boring or sketchy. I don’t even know how much of it was really based on the life of the hero/heroine, a thai kickboxer. That’s all I’m gonna say, coz like I said, Dory syndrome.

What I am certain of is that for the nth time in two years, I found myself seeing things more clearly through something I used to look unkindly on. Boxing. I’m not and will never be a kickboxer, but I realized that my life runs through a course similar to one. Perhaps the best way to describe this life I’m talking about is through the words of the hero herself. (If you’re wondering about my choice of pronoun, you definitely have not seen this movie, or have no idea what it is).

They don’t know that I don’t like hurting people… but when you’re in the ring you have no choice

chiching and i

2006-09-21T10:54:00.000+08:00

A couple of days ago, I chanced upon someone who played a part in my highschool life. It was a brief encounter and as we said our goodbyes, chiching with his ancient flair for drama ( look who's talking)left me with these words:

I found this work of art that has been deconstructing me for quite some time now. I had to lay it down however, because I realized it was not the baggage that goes with mine.

Oh alright, some of the words were not his. I had to spice it up a bit. But he was basically saying the same thing.

So what's my point? Three actually --- ... sigh

Nobility (king or queen, it doesn't make a diff)

2006-08-15T12:42:00.001+08:00

as Sting would put it...

There's a little black spot on the sun today
(That's my soul up there)
It's the same old thing as yesterday
(That's my soul up there)
There's a black hat caught in a high tree top
(That's my soul up there)
There's a flag-pole rag and the wind won't stop
(That's my soul up there)

I have stood here before inside the pouring rain
With the world turning circles running 'round my brain
I guess I'm always hoping that you'll end this reign
But it's my destiny to be the king of pain

There's a fossil that's trapped in a high cliff wall
(That's my soul up there)
There's a dead salmon frozen in a waterfall
(That's my soul up there)
There's a blue whale beached by a springtide's ebb
(That's my soul up there)
There's a butterfly trapped in a spider's web
(That's my soul up there)

I have stood here before inside the pouring rain
With the world turning circles running 'round my brain
I guess I'm always hoping that you'll end this reign
But it's my destiny to be the king/queen of pain

2006-08-11T13:53:00.000+08:00

Lady irony can make your life a real hell.

Picture this. You get into a relationship primarily for the reason that the other person is there. You like her but you’re not exactly sure you love her back. You enjoy her company and you admire a lot of her traits. On top of that, you at least believe -- the operative word is then -- that she will treat you well. This is what you call the offspring of jadedness and wishful thinking. This goes on with all the appurtenances of a relationship meaning: kilig moments, lqs, weekends together, days apart, her helping you with your law school assignments, time spent together instead of time spent for study and work, gift-giving, painful words hurled at each other, meeting each other’s friends, meeting each other’s exes, etc., etc, etc.

Then, something happens to her and she’s gone just like that. You know she has cause to do so, and you try to tell her you understand but for some generation-rooted reason, she automatically assumes that you’re being such a completely unyielding, self-absorbed… thing, without giving you the chance to say your piece. Let me just point out that like half of the population of this world, you absolutely hate it when you do or at least you try to do something, and people make it appear you’re doing completely the opposite of it. It’s truly frustrating, unfair, high-handed, and cheap.

Since you are a self-healing entity, and you still have dementors posing as law professors and friends who share your blood type – alcohol – you deal with her absence and move on. And since you’re not the tin man and your flesh is weak, you soon find yourself falling for other people. The lover is soon shoved in the fossilized past.

On holidays and special occasions you hear from her. She, of course does not hear from you. Why? We can start with two reasons: a) the economy is not improving contrary to what our dear president says and b) cell phone companies’ unlimited text promos can barely accommodate your text schedule. Plus, you try to give you fingers a rest once in awhile.

Almost a year after her flight to Never Land, you see each other upon her invitation. At first you were not too keen with the idea of seeing her at a party, since you’re currently dealing with other existential questions; mundane tasks brought about by merely breathing and living in this cockroach-infested city that you love by the way; and other reasons you dare not voice out lest you be branded as politically incorrect. However, since you truly believe that you have finally learned to calmly approach the mess that happened between the two of you and saying NO has never been your forte, you tell her “I’ll try.”

On the day of the party the decision was almost made for you when, gasp, a dipsomaniac like you almost got puking drunk from the hootch you’ve guzzled during your date last night. So you tell her, you really can’t go. Ah, but a friend is alone and needs to go out and party, so you gather your wits and go.

There she is, the woman who once shared your bed. And there they are, your other friends. You realized how much you missed them. And how much you missed going to parties like this. Well, parties similar to this. You also get to meet one of her exes. Since you appreciate beauty and your mind usually has a different take on certain things, you hear your brain say, “Wow! She’s a looker” and said ex momentarily becomes your preoccupation. Harmless crush. It’s not even a credible word nowadays. Hormones talking. So you’re safe. Really you are. Damn Femmes! You’re femme too (I’m doing this by default, ask my les friends why) so you accept that femmes of the species are really fabulous thereby deserving of curses once in awhile if only for their beauty. So damn femmes! Damn me!

Zooming back on your fossilized lover, you tell yourself “In fairness, she looks good”. Much better than how she looked when you two were still together. The word together is very flexible. And since in the world of Jedi lesbians she is already a Jedi master - Yoda actually - she manages to make the equation look like {you + her = still (or more) together}, instead of {you + her + unilateral actions = exes}. But you’re cool with it. Years of donning the “gabi costume” has paid off. It’s like second skin. Seriously…

Trouble begins day after the party. Armed with your cranky but unli-powered cell phones, you two trade compliments, rhetoric about the sighting, witty comments, you know the usual repartee. This went on until you find yourself compos mentis no more! You remember the good stuff, absolutely censored stuff, absolutely sweet stuff, absolutely crazy stuff. You’re absolutely whacked out!

You’re beginning to think that you might be falling in love with your fossilized ex! WTF is that?! How can this happen? You remind yourself that food, among other things, you can eat. Words you don’t, can’t and you mustn’t. Why are you reneging on your promises to yourself again? As you puff nicotine in your body you’re hit with one scary thought, maybe you were really in love with her before and this is just a very interesting time warp. Two more puffs and another thought enters your stream of consciousness, it could very well be because you’re in the desert and she is a mirage, an illusion. No difference from before. She just happens to be there.

Since you hear no miraculous voice giving you the answers you need, you content yourself with the conclusion that she really is some kind of a harbinger designed to maximize the annihilation of peace in your life so you proceed to hum… Women, what is it about them, can’t live with them or without them.

This reminds me, I should be getting myself a copy of RENT the movie

mental cobwebs

2006-07-21T15:47:00.000+08:00

Love is...

Seeing beauty amidst flaws. That's how I see you
Restraint inspite of certain liberties. That's how I deal with you
Making your presence felt but never encroaching. That's how I hope I treat you
Honesty and deceit rolled into one. That's what I've been doing
Covering your eyes at times but never your ears. That's what I try to do
Silence for your happiness and peace of mind. That I promise you

Love grows and never wilts.
If it does it never was love.
You just keep it somewhere safe.
When a new one blossoms inside of you.

Zammy

2006-07-21T15:39:00.000+08:00

When i pulled out the fruit from where it sprung
I knew then that I lost my heart twice
For their love of you, for what's and who's in you

I should have nothing but dark and eternal anger
Anguish that would never be quenched
For their love of you, for what's and who's in you

Everytime the sun rises upon you I always expect
The pain to flow incessantly and the bitterness to escalate
For their love of you, for what's and who's in you

Whenever the rain pours down and I hear 'em hitting the roof
I brace myself for the melancholy reminiscing I should feel
For their love of you, for what's and who's in you

And in all these times I get deeply disappointed
I end up seeing myself smile with a sweet mem'ry
For their love of you, for what's and who's in you

I am as you find me now
With one of the best gifts life can give
For their love of you, for what's and who's in you

de-gaying

2006-06-05T13:45:00.000+08:00

Watching the last X-men installment was amusing for me.

Oh it wasn't the amusement ordinary fans would feel for three reasons: 1)i don't fancy myself as ordinary(wehehehe) 2) Im not really a fan just a movie addict and 3) the inner workings of my twisted mind would usually have a different take on a lot of stuff.

In the movie this particular person, predictably the father of one of the much-despised mutants, managed to develop this antidote which would permanently transform all mutants to ordinary,normal, two-eyes/two-ears/two-hands/two-legs (but not necessarily with functioning brain) homo sapiens. I gleaned that the supporters of this "noble" undertaking emphasized that there would be freedom of choice.

It would have been smooth-sailing but Magneto would of course allow no such thing. So he mobilized a dozen or so rebellious mutants, strategized...blah..blah..blah

As the movie progressed, I couldn't help but draw a sort of parallelism between mutant and gay lifestyles. You know how "normal' people tend to stereotype and cast judgements on them no matter how fabulous mutants(and, needless to say, gays) are. I was wondering how long it would take the viewers to sense my brain waves.

Voila! A few minutes after the movie my brother quipped " It was like a de-gaying drive/advocacy. I have no idea if my bro's sympathetic to the butterflies of the society, I never bothered to inquire. I had a feeling I would just be wasting my breath given the presence of ummm... gay dementors around us. Yes, even a motormouth like me values silent moments.

The idea that he recognized the similarity was a first step. I may soon discover my vibes are wrong but suffice it to say, it made my day!

Uhuh

2006-05-22T10:58:00.000+08:00

Home alone, that was my consignment
solitary confinement
so when we met I was getting around you

Coz there you stood and I would
I wonder could I say how I felt
and not be misunderstood

A thousand stars came into my system
I never knew how much I had missed them

Slap on the map of my heart you landed
I was coy but you made me candid
And now the planets circle around you

I didn't know I was looking for love until I found you

Gawd! I love sitti!:)

ang prinsesa at araw

2006-05-18T11:43:00.000+08:00

Gumising na may ngiti sa labi
Bumangon, masaya, maaliwalas ang mukha
Dama ang pag-ibig na buhay
Buong tuwang binati ng prinsesa ang araw

Dumating ang alas-onse ng umaga
Sumagi sa isip manibalang na alala
Dama ang kabang nabuhay muli
May takot na tiningala ng prinsesa ang araw

Sumapit ang gabi, inihiga ang katawan
Binalak basahin librong mapagpatama
Dama ang nalimutang lungkot
Lumuhang nagpaalamam ang prinsesa sa araw

deaf-mutism

2006-05-08T14:43:00.000+08:00

have you ever been in that state when you're surrounded by a lot of people, you see their lips move to form all sorts of words yet not really hear what they say?

or have a zillion thoughts buzzing in your mind wanting so much to express yourself but not knowing how and when to start?

such an agony. well, that was what i initially descibed it.
but after some time, it actually became... liberating

Karma

2006-02-14T16:15:00.000+08:00

How do you tell someone you love her without scaring her away.
When you yourself are scared witless.
You suddenly can empathize with your luggage.
When you travel they look perfectly alright on the outside.
But when you open 'em. Voila! Chaos!

You're in the brink of begging the forces of nature to keep their judgement for the timebeing.
The punishment to stop.
The deluge of misery to cease...
because you have realized the errors of your ways.

You've been preparing for the worst answer from her but you know that when you finally hear the words...

NOTHING will stop the tears from falling
your heart from breaking

AND YES, the world from turning

Obfuscation

2005-10-18T17:49:00.000+08:00

"I don't attach meaning to things not pertinent at the moment." One of the phrases which has fully embedded itself in my block's already queer form of communication. It has been placed at par with the likes of "certain anger" or "certain (pls. enter noun here)", "vortex of doom and depression" "what's happening here what's going on?" and utilized indiscriminately no matter how senseless it has become for a particular conversation.

I wish I could just as easily insert those phrases in my personality. Flippantly look at whatever nuisance i meet every fucking minute of my borrowed life. Casually tell the perennial darkness i simply cannot shake off, " I dont attach meaning to you coz you're not pertinent at the moment." What bliss it would be. Peace.

But nature in it's fondness for irony and adventure cannot allow that.
Being forewarned can never never make you forearmed. Too much faith in this is the height of stupidity.

Am I complaining? What am i saying? Do i even understand the words that are coming out of my mouth?! I don't know. Read on and go figure.

You meet people. It can only go three ways. You like them. You despise them. Or you ignore them. Don't ask me what should be or shouldn't be. I have been mentally fucked from all sorts of direction I can barely discern my thoughts from my alter ego's.

Whatever way you'r destiny's will pushes you... one thing only seems certain...

Novelty wears off. Adhesives lose their touch. White turns to gray and you're left reminiscing.

Point is, I dont have a point. Fact is, I am a far cry from what I used to be.

Vortex of Doom and Depression

2005-10-15T21:54:00.000+08:00

There's a different kind of disease
more fatale, more contagious, more permanent
that will catch you unaware

Vortex of Doom and Depression...

DARK...

2005-10-13T20:06:00.000+08:00

Forewarned is Forearmed
So they say...

Uncertain

2005-10-12T12:36:00.000+08:00

My eyes open to the world long awake before me
I try to convice myself I am needed in this place
Everymorning, everyday, every time I awake

My body begins to move in tune to the world's beat
There's a conscious effort to resist and hold my ground
Still, nature made me and she will not be denied

My mind starts its humming tune, I feel the gears shifting
I am flooded with all sorts of data, junk and otherwise
I have long discovered sorting through them is hopeless

My heart begins to throb slowly, gradually, surely
Pumping precious life into my weary and battered soul
I hear my inner voices cry in relief. In gratitude

The routine of my uncertain world

SHE

2005-10-06T17:34:00.000+08:00

She takes comfort in her darkness,
mental exercises and strenuous presence

She forgets the chaos around her
because of her neverending sweet brutality

She begins to recognize love
out of the spiteful way...

she makes her love herself.

Mangyari Lamang

2005-10-06T17:30:00.000+08:00

by Bobby Guevarra

Mangyari lamang ay tumayo ang mga nagmamahal
nang makita ng lahat ang mukha ng pag-ibig
Ipamalas ang tamis ng malalim na pagkakaunawaan sa
mga malabo ang paningin
Mangyari lamang ay tumayo rin ang mga nagmahal
at nasawi
Nang makita ng lahat ang mga sugat ng isang bayani
Ipadama ang pait ng kabiguan habang ipinagbubunyi ang
walang katulad na kagitingan ng isang nagtaya

Mangyari lamang ay tumayo ang mga nangangambang
magmahal
nang makita ng lahat ang kilos ng isang bata
Ipamalas ang katapatan ng damdamin
na pilit ikukubli ng pusong lumaki sa mga engkanto
at diwata
Mangyari lamang ay tumayo ang mga nagmahal, minahal at
iniwan ngunit handa pa ring magmahal
nang makita ng lahat ang yaman ng karanasan
Ipamalas ang katotohanang nasaksihan
nang maging makahulugan ang mga paghagulgol sa dilim

At sa mga nanatiling nakaupo
mangyari lamang ay dahan-dahang umalis papalabas
sa nakangangang pinto
Umuwi na kayo at sumbatan ang mga magulang na
nagpalaki ng isang halimaw

At sa lahat ng naiwang nakatayo
mangyari lamang ay hagkan ang isa't isa at yakapin ang
mga sugatan
Mabuhay tayong lahat na nagsisikap na makabalik sa ating pinagmulan
Manatiling masaya at higit sa lahat magpatuloy sa
pagmamahal

pozo negro

2005-10-05T12:57:00.000+08:00

i watch the pozo negro people expertly suction the god-knows what things from our neighbor's septic tank

i find myself thinking of you

when even the most mundane task such as this
triggers my memory such as yours...
bad bad sign

my overanalyzing self is at it again
why not? and the internal debate begins
smeagol wins

and the gears of my god-given mind
shifts to second gear
i saw you.i could not let go
closer...

on to third gear
you fuck my mind
i cannot help but retaliate.for i am nothing but just

did i do justice?

shifting to fourth gear
regularity.habitualness
schedule.routine

the coveted fifth gear
all the toxic waste i carried with me for the past weeks...
gone. for real?

am i ready for the ride?

harbinger?omen?what?

YOU GOT ME

words of wisdom from gabriel garcia marquez

2005-01-04T23:45:00.000+08:00

If for an instant God were to forget that I am a rag doll and gifted me with a piece of life,
possibly I wouldn't say all that I think, but rather I would think of all that I say.
I would value things, not for their worth but for what they mean.
I would sleep little, dream more, understanding that for each minute we close our eyes we lose sixty seconds of light.

I would walk when others hold back, I would wake when others sleep.
I would listen when others talk,
and how I would enjoy a good chocolate ice cream!
If God were to give me a piece of life, I would dress simply, throw myself face first in the sun,
baring not only my body but also my soul.
My God, if I had a heart, I would write my hate on ice, and wait for the sun to show.
Over the stars I would paint with a Van Gogh, dream a Benedetti poem,
and a Serrat song would be the serenade I'd offer to the moon.
With my tears I would water roses, to feel the pain of their thorns, and the red kiss of their petals!

My God, if I had a piece of life, I wouldn't let a single day pass
without telling people I love that I love them.
I would convince each woman and each man that they are my favorites,
and I would live in love with love.
I would show men how very wrong they are to think that they cease to be in love when they grow old, not knowing that they grow old when they cease to be in love!
To a child I shall give wings, but I shall let him learn to fly on his own.
I would teach the old that death does not come with old age, but
with forgetting. So much have I learned from you, oh men!