A Matter of Pronouns

An old blog by one of my very good friends.
Im sure everyone can relate.
Like I said, it's just a matter of pronouns


I am Joe's heart

Since Joe was inside his mother's womb, I have been pumping blood all
over his body. Through his childhood, puberty and adulthood, I have
grown with Joe. I felt his passion for the arts, his hunger for
knowledge, and his devotion to his loved ones. But there's something
peculiar about Joe, about me. Whenever Joe would look at another man,
I would skip a beat. Joe and I find their bodies sexy. We were drawn
to them like a magnet. Later on I realized that I beat not for women
but for men. I'm attracted to another man's heart. And through time,
I didn't find it peculiar anymore. I am Joe's gay heart.

I am Joe' active heart. I usually beat fast when Joe goes to the gym,
when he's climbing walls at the local climbing center, or when he has
to meet a deadline at work. But something is different, something
delightful is happening within Joe right now. All of this started
when Joe met Jack.

I was beating normally, well more normal than usual since Joe was
drinking coffee in a café while writing in his notebook. I was trying
to cope with the amount of caffeine and nicotine Joe was consuming
when suddenly, I began to beat faster. I tried to make sense of it by
asking Brain what is happening. Brain told me that Eyes saw a man
looking at Joe. At first, according to the news of Brain (he's
somewhat of a gossip) that the man was glancing at Joe furtively.
Then, as reported by Eyes, the man smiled at Joe. It was about the
same time that I began to palpitate. I thought it was the combined
effects of cigarettes and coffee. But then, other chemicals were
flooding Joe's system. Brain told me that endorphins and adrenaline
were being released in huge amounts. Electrical bursts in Joe's
synapses are going off like fireworks. Then, I began to beat at a
faster pace. I was feeling anxious and excited. It was at the exact
time when the man Joe was looking at approached our table and
introduced himself. Ears told Brain who told me that the man's name
was Jack. Eyes said that Jack was very attractive, exactly the type
that Joe dreams of during REM stage. Nose said that Jack smelled
really nice. Nose doesn't have a wide vocabulary but we still love
him. Ears was in full attention, listening to the voice of Jack. The
information Ears received was immediately transmitted to Brain. And
Brain, the over-thinker that he is, began to match the information
with the data of Joe's ideal man. A perfect match. I told Brain,
Eyes, Ears, and Nose to maintain a low profile and be cautious. We've
been here before. Joe can't take another beating. I can only be
broken so many times. But Brain was insistent. He was all over the
place. He told Lungs the news and Lungs, for his part, had to control
Joe's breathing. Joe's groin area was a different story. They were
all abuzz about the news, surely brought about by Brain's
instigation. But I told them, keep it down. This has happened before;
the initial excitement of meeting someone new always registers this
effect on Joe. But in the end, it is I who will Joe ask for answers.
I am Joe's cautious heart.

I am Joe's beating heart. I've been skipping a beat, so to speak,
after Joe met Jack. They've been seeing each other for quite some
time now. Eyes is all over Jack: his face, his hands, his lips. Eyes
can't even focus on the movies Joe and Jack watched. Ears was more
attentive than usual, clinging on every word of Jack. Ears was making
sure that he heard everything correctly because, by now, Brain was
asking for a detailed report every minute. Brain tends to over
analyze everything. Brain thinks too much. He interprets Jack's
words, every syllable, even the way it was said and the tones used. A
simple phrase such as, "Do you want to go now", has numerous
interpretations: "is he bored, does he want to go without me, should
I say I still want to talk to him." Poor Brain, he's been working
overtime since Joe met Jack. Brain has replayed all of the dates of
Joe with Jack. Every time, he would focus on a single moment: a
touch, a smile, a nod, and come up with a thousand interpretations.
But I kept telling everyone, especially brain, to slow down. I have
to be sure. I have to be certain about what Joe feels about Jack,
what I feel about Jack's heart. I am Joe's doubtful heart.

I am Joe's guarded heart. Through the years, I have been broken many
times. Joe loved all of them. I loved all of them. Every time I feel
a connection, I would speak to the heart of Joe's current object of
affection. All of them told me that they love me, they love Joe. That
Joe, I, was the one they've been looking for. I am flattered, of
course. All of them promised the moon and the stars. Most of them
kept with my pace. Some of them even made me quiver by quoting
Neruda. But all of them said goodbye to me, to Joe. Joe couldn't
understand. Brain tried to theorize every break-up. But Brain
couldn't give Joe answers. Joe would always end up with questions for
me. I cannot answer him because I am broken. After each break up, I
would build a wall around me. Every time that I would be broken,
another brick would be laid and cemented. When Joe asks if I could
still love again, I would tell him to give me some time to rest.
Eventually, I would tell Joe to be hopeful for love would find us
inevitably. But I am scared. What's the point of finding love if I
would still end up broken? I am Joe's jaded heart.

I am Joe's feeling heart. You'd think Joe only listens to Brain. As
Joe learned from the past, love is truly an affair of the heart. This
is my domain, my area of expertise. Joe asked me a lot of questions
about Jack. He kept nagging me about how I feel about Jack. I'd tell
him that I've built a wall around me to protect myself from being
broken again. But the truth always escapes me. I had to be honest
with Joe. "Jack's the one, Joe." I'd say. I've spoken to Jack's heart
and we are in agreement. Jack's heart is in love. Jack is in love
with Joe. And I told Joe, affirming Brain's proposition that Joe was
in love with Jack. I am Joe's loved heart.

I am Joe's bleeding heart. Last night I felt a knife pierce through
me. I tried to do my usual work, pretend that everything is as it
should be. I kept telling myself that if I just wait and patiently
count the hours, I would feel Jack's beating heart again. But Eyes
has been crying since last night. Ears are deafened by the silence in
Joe's room. Hands long to touch Jack's Hands. But Jack was nowhere to
be found. Brain has replayed the scene over and over. Like watching a
big T.V. screen, all of Joe's organs, the entire body of Joe,
recalled what happened. Jack broke up with Joe. Jack said it wasn't
working out and that he met someone else. Mouth had no words to tell
Jack that he's making a mistake. Lips were shut tight while Eyes
fought back the tears. But the heaviest of burdens was pressed
against me last night. I was feeling Joe's pain. Brain's questions
are now my questions: why, what happened, what went wrong, am I not
enough. And I listened. I asked. I pleaded for Jack's heart to
respond. But Jack's heart was silent. Jack's heart was afraid that he
was making a mistake, a huge mistake. Jack's heart was terrified of
my honesty, my commitment, and my love. Jack's heart cannot fathom
the depths of my love for him. So he withdrew. He kept his distance.
He remained quiet. In his silence, we both knew the truth. Jack
didn't meet anyone new. Jack wasn't seeing another guy. Jack's heart
was afraid. Afraid of what I was prepared to give: a love with no
conditions, no doubts, and no questions. I was willing to compromise,
to overlook Jack's shortcomings. I love him despite his weaknesses,
his faults, his frailties. It was too much for Jack's heart to take.