Chiching says:
Is there something wrong with me? Why do I feel like I am about to commit such utter rubbish?
I was looking at this wonderful piece of art. You see, I would like to think of myself as someone austere. No make it downright boring and not given to anything pleasing to any or all of my five senses.
I smirk and say to myself, well it’s very pretty but I don’t need it. I can do very well without it can’t I?
Days pass and as life would have it, I win a ticket allowing me to once again see this piece of art coupled with a raffle stub which, if I’m lucky will allow me the right to ownership. ( that was quite long)
I feel myself going for it. I take three steps forward. I stop. I remember something and I take two steps back. I hear something in my mind and once again go still. This voice propelled me five steps forward. Now excitement begins to build up over the prospect of having this thing in the palm of my hand. I see wonderful images. All of a sudden, these images turn into something ugly, almost painful. I stumble and force myself to stop yet again. No I don’t want to be a charity case I tell myself. I don’t want this. I go through my customary chats with my conscience.
Maybe I shouldn’t be doing it this way. I don’t really need this! Besides, if I want it I’ll have it through my own resources. Who needs it anyway? I’m happy without it. And if I have them, what then? Just so I can have something to flaunt? Bah! (I can hear my friends chuckling over the familiar lines. So me ei?)
Then it had me thinking, things that won’t really make any sense if put to words but which lead me to this realization -- YOU WANT IT. In fact you want all forms of it. You want it in every possible way. You want it to be made available for you, for things to go in a way that this thing is almost begging you to have it. However, given all these you’ll choose not to have it. The choice NOT to take it, that’s what you want. More importantly the feeling of pain at the thought that you could have had it, not because you wanted it but because it wanted you and you turned away from it.
CHOICE
PAIN
THAT’S WHAT YOU WANT.
RUBBISH?
1 comment:
"...wonderful images. All of a sudden, these images turn into something ugly, almost painful."
a long sigh. a pause. rubbing my chin, nodding, wanting to search your face. trying to find where these emotions are emanating... seeking answers from your eyes... i guess for the most part of it, we want to stifle our agony... trying so hard to get past it. and sometimes we know why we are the way we are and sometimes we don't. yet again, why has it been so hard for us to make ourselves happy? or at least give in to happiness... could not make ourselves believe that somehow, someday, there would be (or there is already?) that someone who can make us happy. if we allow (her? him?) to. do we choose pain?
pause. long sigh. shaking my head. maybe we are yet to see that there is more to life than rationalizing or debating against ourselves (on what choice to make, is it right, is s/he being true, etc etc). sometimes its beyond cerebral. sometimes, its more than what our intellect or skepticism tells us. that yes, maybe we could. be happy. as we could be- loved. just. the way. we are. rubbish? maybe not. ;)
Post a Comment